Be warned - this post turned into a rant at some point.  You’re in for some expletive language, run on sentences and just poor grammar overall.  In my defense, I stopped paying attention to grammar in first grade; I even remember the day it happened.  From that day forth, every time a teacher talked about grammar I blanked out, I literally have to think for a second about what a verb is (action word, action word, action word) and I repeat definitions over and over in my head whenever I’m confronted with them – I tell myself “I’m going to get this sorted out, I’m going to be a well-spoken, well-written, well-read, well- educated person who knows what (insert any grammatical term here) means,” but, alas, I just don’t care enough to retain this information.

Now back to the subject at hand…

I read a great quote from Kristen Stewart in which she called her career as an actor “professional lying” -and I would have to agree.  The problem is that I don’t know if she was commenting on her lack of skill as an actor, or whether she believes, as a great many people do, that acting is lying – or pretending.

Now, I don’t know a whole hell of a lot about acting.  The highlight of my acting career was playing Gonzorgo in a seventh grade production of “Babes in Toyland.” But I know shmacting.  I can smell shmacting a mile away.

We are surrounded by it.  We are exposed to it far more than we’re exposed to legitimate acting, which is why people confuse shmacting for acting. Until you learn to recognize it, you won’t consciously know it’s happening – and people need to know because standards need to be raised.

I’m genuinely disturbed that people don’t know how bad the Twilight movies are.  That they can sit through them, enjoy them, re-watch them, and be excited for the next installment is unfathomable to me.

I’m disturbed that Social Network is considered good.

I’m utterly flabbergasted that Jamie Foxx is considered a respectable actor.

When I discover that friends and acquaintances think “True Blood” is a good show, I feel like I’m surrounded by psychotic people, like I’m the only one who didn’t drink the cool aid.

How can people not know?  I don’t really have an answer for this, but I suspect that its simply because they’ve never actually seen real acting – and if you’re told as a young child that Nicholas Cage is an actor, and no one tells you otherwise, and he keeps getting cast in movies, and he wins an Oscar, I can see how your whole notion of what an actor is could become slightly skewed.

Like if you grew up being fed nothing but McDonalds, you would think its food.  Then one day someone gives you some real food and you realize that the reconstituted, foul, rotten corpses of tortured, genetically modified corn-fed animals injected with chemicals, stuffed between something resembling bread is not actually food, it’s a lie.  You’ve been misled

Of course you might argue that this is just a matter of taste.  That Robert Pattinson’s ‘acting’ just isn’t my cup of tea.  No.  You’re wrong.  This isn’t a matter of opinion.  You might like Robert Pattinson for some unfathomable reason, but you can’t possibly call what he does ‘acting.’

Just bear witness to this Robert Pattinson clip.  I have no idea what he thinks is going on.  He is completely disconnected from reality.

Robert Pattinson, Little Ashes

I was watching a scene with a human and a horse in it recently, and I realized that the horse was so much better at being a horse than the human was at being a human.  The horse was spectacular, and in comparison, the human was just a human pretending to be human (which I guess is actually incredibly and specifically human – but should not be confused with real acting).  Acting is not pretending – shmacting is pretending.  Acting is being, acting is “truthing.”

Whatever confused people shat out “Valentine’s Day” need to know that it is unacceptable.  They need to be held responsible.  What passes for acting – what wins Academy Awards and Tonys – is most often just shmacting.  Empty space and ego.

So, Hollywood, instead of trying to make a quick buck with your next formulaic shit-fest where a bunch of famous people stand around in front of the camera flapping their lips, why not try to focus on making a movie with real actors in it?  I don’t care if they are ugly or fat.  Does anyone care if they’re ugly or fat?  I would LOVE to see some unattractive people, especially women, in film.  Maybe the actors who don’t fit the mold have actually had to cultivate some type if skill, instead of spending their time figuring out which is their best angle.

What’s so wrong with realism? Just a tiny bit? Just have the people look like people.  Have them LOOK human, that’s all, I’ll settle for that, just a normal looking person standing in front of the camera doing nothing would be better than expecting me to believe that Angelina Jolie, with her tiny little toothpick legs, is an overworked, single mother in the 1950′s.  No.  Just NO.

It’s insulting that these producers and casting directors (or whoever makes these decisions) think so little of the public that they believe sticking beautiful people on the screen will make us more likely to watch.

You know what? I think of piracy as Karmic retribution for all the years of crap Hollywood has been churning out.  Who in their right mind would pay to see “He’s Just not That into You?”  They should be paying us.  I would actually like to be compensated for the pain and suffering I have endured in my search for a decent film.

FUCK YOU men in suits sitting around conference tables hashing out generic scripts in an effort to make a quick buck.  It gives me pleasure to steal from you.  You deserve to be stolen from.  If I saw you in the street and I had some ripe fruit handy I might just throw it at you.

FUCK YOU shmactors who participate in these terrible movies – have some self respect and stop perpetuating this crap.  And shmactresses, stop starving yourselves.  Just STOP!  There is no fucking excuse! Don’t you realize that for some reason people actually look up to you? And you’re fucking them up!  You’re telling them that they are not acceptable the way they are and need to spend their time obsessed with their physical appearance.  ENOUGH!! I don’t care if you never work again – who would want to work in that kind of atmosphere and perpetuate those kinds of lies?

If everyone in Hollywood grew some fucking balls and starting being honest (and eating) the world would be a better place.

I’ve included some CLASSIC SHMACTING GIVE AWAYS to start you off with…

Pretend Eating - Girls, stop playing with your god damn food! Put it in your mouth, chew and swallow- I know it’s been a while, but it’s like riding a bicycle.  You’re not supposed to look scared while eating… unless you’re portraying someone with anorexia.

Fake Drinking– Drinking involves swallowing, you’re going to have to do a little more than just touch the cup to your lips, this isn’t charades.

Fake Driving – This is so easy, yet you would think that most shmactors have never driven a car before.  Unless the character you’re portraying is a terrible driver, your eyes should be on the road most of the time.

Fake Waking Up – Contrary to popular belief, sleeping looks different than lying still with your eyes closed – and waking up involves more than re-opening your eyes after lying still with your eyes closed…  something to be aware of.

Lip Biting - a big ‘fuck you’ to your audience. Every aspiring shmactor should have this in their repertoire. Am I sad? Am I flirtatious? Am I upset? Does anyone bite their lips in real life-except when trying to remove dead skin? I don’t know, so I’ll just bite my lip and let you figure it out.

Sigh.

So that concludes my rant – hope you’ve found it enlightening and/or mildly amusing.  You wouldn’t know it, but I actually love shmactors, they’re very dear to my heart.  I love tasteless, terrible movies and vapid, mindless TV shows – most of all I just love complaining about them.

My apologies to anyone I may have offended, but I actually do think you’re crazy if you like True Blood, Twilight, Nicholas Cage, Evan Rachel Wood, or Social Network.

I’m sorry, I just can’t help it.

…or 24, or Valentines Day, He’s Just not that into You, Hangover (you probably hate me now), Jamie Foxx, Pirates of the Caribbean…

PS – If you don’t hate me yet, take a look at my moveisms blog and my Three Tiered Artist Identification System

Just wanted to share a prime example of the wall slide* – against a brick wall, none the less…poor girl must have been  CUT UP after attempting such a maneuver.  Taylor Swift’s “white horse” video – the event takes place at 3.44 – although there’s some great schmacting going on throughout if you’re interested.
Now at first glance you may think “that doesn’t look so hard, Eleanor.” LOOK AGAIN – and notice the three different camera shots involved in that perfect slide.
Thank you, Georgia, for watching this and thinking of me.

*See http://www.thewhisperingtree.com/blog/?p=127

You may be asking yourself, what is a moveism?

A movieism is the use of an unrealistic cliche to compensate for bad writing/acting/directing.  Yet for some reason, moveisms are featured continually and chronically in movies.

Who bothers to write these terrible tidbits into screenplays? It is a mystery.

Is there one guy who goes from studio to studio? Unfortunately, no, there is more than one person spreading this tepid crap around.

Who agrees to continue putting them in films?  Lots of people who should know better.

There is such diversity and specificity in life – why continue regurgitating this nonsense?

I just don’t know.

I do know that someone needs to DO something about this – enough is enough.  I’m not even a film snob – I usually can’t even be bothered with subtitles or movies made before 1980 – but I just can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.

So I will take my grievances to the blogosphere and begin my list.

1. Woman wearing man’s collared, button-up shirt after sex.

Who fucking does that? (If they do, it’s only because they saw it in a lame and unimaginative movie.)

They throw this little gem in all the time. You may think you’re watching a substantial piece of art and then BAM! – there’s some girl wearing some guy’s collared, button-up shirt after sex.  LAME!

2. Very upset person sliding down wall (see diagram below)

Have you ever tried this? I have, and it is really hard – and I wasn’t even upset at the time.

Think of all the overpaid people involved in making these movies – and all the underpaid people standing in the background – and NO ONE stands up and says, “this is ridiculous.” Instead, multiple people sign off on these details, and they are ALL guilty in my book.

Sliding Down a Wall

3. Feedback whenever there is a microphone

EVERY TIME! They do it EV-ER-Y TIME!  We don’t need a sound effect – this isn’t radio – its film.  We can see what’s happening!  We recognize the object you are speaking into as a microphone – mission accomplished, now let’s move on.

4. ‘shling’ sound when someone picks up a knife

Someone needs to stop the sound effect guys – at least supervise them somewhat.  God bless them, they are really enthusiastic but tend to go a little overboard.

5. Shower scene after rape

Okay, we get it.  They feel dirty and want to clean themselves but there’s not enough water in the world – COME ON! There is an endless variety of things one might be doing after experiencing an intensely traumatizing event and all they can come up with time after time is taking a shower!?!?

Even better – they slide down the shower wall – MOVEISM COMBO – BONUS POINTS!

I’ll say it again – COME. ON.  What an uninspired waste of time.

6. Search Engine Montage

Okay, while searching on the internet is a pretty common occurrence  in real life, the search engine montage rarely works well in film and is most likely just another lazy trick.

I have included perhaps one of the best examples of the search engine montage, from one of the worst movie franchises ever made and also one of the most popular, the one and only, ‘Twilight.”  Enjoy:

7. People hanging up the phone without saying goodbye (and not because they are mad)

Do you do  this?  I certainly don’t.  So who does?  Apparently just characters in bad movies.

It’s really funny the little details that exist solely in the movie universe.

8. Crow squawking in abandoned place.

It’s not just in westerns, it’s everywhere…and it’s lame.

9. Changing facial expression suddenly when no one is looking. (ie. No one is looking so the bad guy reveals his true identity with a malicious expression.)

NEWSFLASH:  The age of the silent film is over.  Nowadays, movies have sound in them– changed the whole game!

Lazy writing.  Lazy and condescending.  Is there no legitimate way for you to convey to the audience what’s really going on?  Find another job – you do not deserve to get paid for shitting on your audience.

*******************************************************************************************

Well, that’s all I have for now.  But rest assured there is no shortage of mediocrity, so this list will be expanding in the near future.  Feel free to send any moveism suggestions you may have!

In the same way that true art has the capacity to transform; un-true art has the capacity to lower our vibration and to perpetuate an unbalanced state.  In order to be immune to bad-art, you first have to be able to recognize it, so after extensive research with my good friend Ryan, I have developed a ratings system to aid in this identification.
1. Defecators
At the bottom most rung of our system, we have the artists who are basically just defecating on their audience.  When watching or listening to them you must lower your vibrational level so much that you are no longer really human, and you come away from the experience feeling a little like a feral animal.
Exhibit A – R. Kelly’s ‘Trapped in the Closet’
R Kelly’s strange, strange, strange foray into the musical-movie genre is the clearest example of defecation I could find.  I watched this film in its entirety and it changed me.  For the first time, I recognized bad-art in its purest form and it has helped me to identify other bad-art which is perhaps more socially respected or polished, but still at best little more than empty space (i.e.  Most of the films that win Oscars).

I entered R. Kelly’s world while watching this film and it was a jarring yet fascinating experience, like an anthropological study into the mind of primitive man.  Be warned, it is an endeavor to get through this and not everyone is cut out for this kind of journey.  If this sounds like something you want to experience I would suggest you don’t do it alone…and bring some Mary Jane along for the ride, because it is ROUGH! It will feel eight hours long, and you should also consider that there is some recovery time required, it took me about a week to feel normal again.  If you make it, you will have a perfect understanding of what a defecator is, and you will more readily be able to identify them elsewhere, and then run the other way.

Exhibit B – He’s Just Not That into You

Not only is this the most annoying title to say, it is also another prime example of defecation.  It took us more than one sitting to get through this.  First of all the dialogue/script was so disconnected that they may as well have been reciting the ingredients off the back of a shampoo bottle… I could not comprehend what they were talking about and had to keep rewinding to try to decipher the meaning of the words that were spewing forth.  It was a painful process.

Every message contained in this movie is insulting and degrading to the entire human race… this is not an overstatement.  Ironically, the misguided folks who wrote the book, wrote the script, or had anything to do with this film, actually try to pass this monstrosity off as a helpful guide for women, when in fact it is a portrait of society’s archaic beliefs about women and women’s resulting adherence to these unhealthy beliefs.  Let me clarify that when something is degrading towards women it is therefore also degrading towards men…these beliefs are a disservice to us all, regardless of gender (there is no separation!)  Our inherited beliefs about gender have caused a disconnect that most people don’t even know they have, and this movie displays it all …so thank you ‘He’s just not that into you,’ for allowing me to receive all of that so clearly.

2. MASTURBATORS

On the second rung we have the masturbators.  People who just want to hear themselves talk, show off their bodies, or fit into someone’s lame idea of what is ‘hip.’  It can feel like listening to noise or to animals yapping (although that is an insult to non-human animals.)   It’s entirely ego-driven and separated.  Dishonest.  Man-made.  Limited.  You walk away feeling a little empty and disconnected, perhaps inadequate or unattractive.  I won’t even list examples here.  Just turn on the radio or the TV and I am 98% sure there will be a shining example for you.  Songs about videophones, or regarding how much money and fame someone has, or music videos with half naked bodies paraded around.  “Look at this piece of meat…your penis could be inside of this.”  Songs and images that worship the cult of image and perpetuate ‘The Lie.’  (I don’t need to explain ‘The Lie,’ everyone feels it on some level when they look upon it; it is the absence of truth.)

3. COMMUNICATORS aka ‘Prophets’

Finally we have arrived at true art.  I feel better just thinking about it.  Artists who raise your vibration, make you feel, make you excited to be human.  People who channel something more than the limited reality we often become entrenched in.  You know it when you see it/hear it, it’s tangible and ineffable.  A sigh of relief.  Chills.  Tears.  Joy.  The human experience communicated clearly for everyone to see.  Such a joyful and loving act, shared so openly and vibrantly.

Exhibit A & B – Leonard Cohen and KD Lang

Leonard Cohen is the first that comes to mind when I think of communicators. ‘Hallelujah’ has been covered a million times – with good reason – but I haven’t heard anyone come close to KD Lang.  She is more than human in this performance.  She is performing a ceremony of some kind, reciting magical words.

Relax.  Open your hearts and listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvIORzoLzrY

We all wrote that song.  We all sing it.  That’s true art.  Recognizing your truest self in everyone and everything.  It’s transcendent.  Ego-less.  Formless.  Wordless.  Joyous.  We are ALIVE!  Together!  And we made a beautiful world!

In Conclusion

Bad art has helped clarify for me what real art is.  Bad art is entirely beholden to the delusion that we are separate; that we are individuals and that we are alone in this experience.  When people with no perspective on the human experience (people completely entrenched and committed to ‘The Lie”) attempt to communicate the human experience, they end up just regurgitating someone else’s view of the world, inadvertently illustrating ‘The Lie.’ Witnessing this disconnection allows us to recognize ‘The Lie’ elsewhere and call forth a more honest expression, standing in our own power and expressing our own unique and precious points-of-view.

Real art is a communion, a communication of the human experience.  I love delving into the strange world of bad-art and am so grateful for the contrast it creates.   It is a good indication of where we are collectively, and it makes finding true-art all the more refreshing, like a beacon of light when you are lost in a fog of confusion and delusion, a beautiful reminder that we are all one and we are all creating this life experience together.